Ceteris Paribus

I cannot remember meeting you but I am ever thankful and regretful that I did and

have sleepless nights mainly to attribute to you, 

always thinking what will happen, what is happening, what happened. The talks I

loved haunt me, your gaze haunts me, your touch is a ghost to my skin, smoke curling                

          around my waist, vanishing the moment I touch it. I can’t help but ask, why do 

you know me? 

and there’s that immovable pain

of wanting to have the other with all your heart

but knowing you cant hold him because you

are broken in opposing ways, that don’t compliment, but conflict.

and looking at him and feeling love, not of physical features, but of soul.

and knowing that 

you can never be together 

but wishing

you could live side by side in dischord and companionship

for your remaining days.

i don’t want you to be 

responsible 

to make me happy.

or to make me gasp

or gaze in wide pupiled amazement. 

because you are a person, and like me, have wants that not one single soul

could fulfill. 

and i know that, and that like pain and everything else, is undermined 

as

a part of life. 

but you, i am safe with you and 

as soon 

as i touch it, it vanishes like fog that is stepped into

only to continue to see myself, but nothing around me.

and i want you to know

that the strongest thing i feel for you, i think, is too strong for this earth. or romanticism. it is loyalty so great, touching it scathes it because it isn’t made for existence in this world. whether it is love, is irrelevant. because we are held together by blood, by the blood of life which runs deepest in honesty. 

and that is what we are. companions, counterparts, and lovers of authenticity. we exist together,

we exist

as two separate parts in 

gestalt psychology.

the sum is great than the parts.

you are the part.

i am the part.

and we are the sum.

badadvicefrombestfriends:

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something no one ever tells you when you’re young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older, as you see people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if its already happened.

(via aninfinitemaybe)

and soon, the poignancy that i feel

will be mixed in with other, more mundane activities. 

like a taste of wine, the intensity will be

washed

away by water.

and every moment that I held my breathe for 

or breathed at an irregular rate…

will be painted by a broad stroke, encompassing it all

like

a momento box or

a dissapearring landscape.

like that of the impressionists,

the strokes I painted, boldly, brashly, carelessly, 

morosely, thoughtfully, beautifully;

will come together in a painting so beautiful 

i cannot stand

to look at it

but instead, gaze with hazy eyes

in humbled gratitude. 

and we will emerge two different people

a burning house; flames lick up everything that was yours, everything that is yours. studs crackle, rafters lean, drywall and wallpaper fold in on themselves. and all the while, you’re running around saying that it’s your house and it isn’t fair that its burning. your room is still your room and kitchen, the kitchen is still there, too.

but it isn’t until everything drips with frantic, burnt out water, and the floor is covered in a foot and a half of water, that wish the house had been built to withstand a fire, and had the perfect amount of water to cease the flames and nothing more. and then it hits you. this isn’t your house anymore. it will never be the same. you will never be the same. 

we always expect to emerge just the same as when we went in. but life’s surgery isn’t like that. there are always alterations, even and especially when we aren’t ready. 

to expect to return to that state, is naivety. there is no way to return, the bridge you crossed was burned by each flaming step. it’s gone. now look for something new.